A Boy and a Girl

A boy.  Had a mom and a dad.  Went to school.  Got a job.  Lived a life.

A girl.  Played a game.  Drove a car.  Ate a dinner.  Lived a life.

Blowing wildly in the wind, her finger stroked back her hair, constraining it behind her ear, exposing her blushing cheeks.  Beating wildly, his heart was focused on her.  Her white smile, her wondering eyes, legs crossed, and perfect teeth biting her bottom lip.  Flowers bathed in the sun, green grass welcomed bare feet, and the bench they sat upon was utopia overlooking the flowing river.  The people passing by in the park were not there to them.  The dogs running freely did not steal their attention.  Fixed and enchanted in this perfect minute of eternity.  The four inches between them began to close as he inched his arm around her and she lay her head on his shoulder.  For the first time.  The cherished first time that would begin to bond them in the first moments of love.

Together is the sun shining and the birds singing.  Love makes everything much more interesting.

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This Me That’s You

It’s not that funny or as grand, just not that big of a deal unless you are here.
I have this big part of me that has become you.
It’s not a phone call or a promise of tonight.
It is needing you here with all of my might.
I can not think or concentrate.
‘Til I have you by my side.
Cause it’s part of me that’s missing.
How am I supposed to see without my eyes?
Or run without my legs?
Because my heart can’t beat when I’m all alone.
It misses you that’s me.
Together.
That is where you are supposed to be.

Christmas Shopping Accomplished Here

There is that person that has everything.  That person that you have no clue what to get for them.

 Problem solved.  Checked off the list.  Accomplished.

They will like it upon opening.  They will love it upon reading.

Merry Christmas!

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happy THANKSGIVING!

Messing up is the name of my game.  Idealist at heart, I see my mistakes as I am making them and then I have a hard time letting them go.  I say “no” to visiting with a friend when I should say “yes,” I am not patient with my daughter when I am the one running late, I am selfish instead of serving my husband.  Again and again, I chose me instead of looking around and being so overwhelmed with thanksgiving with having every single desire that I have ever wished upon met in my here and now.  I am living the dream.  As a little girl, when I sat with my chin resting on my palm, staring out the window and thinking what I wanted in my wildest dreams, it is this!  It is my husband and my daughter and this life that I live.  I am ashamed that so many days, I stress about cleaning my home instead of playing “Littlest PetShop” with Madison, I am ashamed that I snap at my husband. But not today.

Today, I look at them and I will spend my whole entire day thanking God for them!  Today, I will squeeze Madison tight and kiss her cheek over and over until she wiggles free to go play with her cousins.  Today, I will just sit on the couch with James’s arm around me.  Today, I am immensely thankful for my almost 8,000 new friends that I am sharing life with through Beautiful Life with Cancer.  Today, I am thankful for my in-laws that I miss that I can’t be with today.  Today I will join hands with my humongous extended family as we pray and thank our Savior for living a life of suffering and dying a tortured death so that I can live my life of blessing and partake in the hope and joy of a future in heaven, today I will feast and I will be thankful.  Today, I give thanks.

Dangerous World Out There

Hunted. There is no safety to be found.
Everywhere I turn, my brothers and sisters have been caught and met their end.
Run. Run. Run.

They are all so …hungry!
Why oh why do I have to taste so good?
Stuffed, buttered, salt and peppered.

Run. Run.
Gobble. Gobble.

Happy Thanksgiving everyone!

Paramount Meekness

Small little girl, there was insignificant little Caroline.  It was before the foundation of the earth.  Upon my knees, I bowed.  No life in my body, staring into the abyss, gazing into the world that was not yet created.

Your hands reached down.  Large and strong.  Your meek hands compassed my face, circling and examining.

Rightful power to crush me, before my life begins.  Judgement and execution can not be denied you.

Hands within an inch of my face, covered every inch.  Your left hand paused.  Your right hand turned.  My cheek is exposed to the back of your right hand.  Slap?  Eliminate?  Start over with your creation?

Your eyes looked at me.  They pierced through my chest and into my not yet beating heart.  You saw my future, my life, my burdens, and my struggles.  You could make me never be.

Your right hand, turned to my cheek.  Will it begin to erase?  It moved.  Gently, softly, it rubbed down my face.  You move forward.  With your whole body, none of me is left exposed.  The God of the Universe hugged me.

Slowly, you backed.  A deep breath and a thought gives me life.  You smiled.  My cries were heard on earth.  A new baby was born.

This life, you gave me.  You made me and you approved.

When I am scared, when I fail, when I look and compare and say, “I am not enough,” when I cry, when I despair, I close my eyes.  As still as I can be.  As absent from this world as possible.  All I do is feel.  And you are there.  Your arms surround me.  None of me is exposed.  You whisper like you do, “Baby girl, I made you.  You are mine.  I approve.”  The God of the Universe is hugging me.

Is This a Bad Idea?

I have written about Tucker before.  He’s a keeper.  But he has this little secret.  He wags his tail and he’s about perfected the puppy dog eyes.  But there is something that lurks in his darkness.  Meal time.  He completely turns into a different dog!  He turns from the short, fat, lazy, happy dog into a potential killer.  He seriously shows his fangs, his hair stands up, and he growls like a mad dog when there is food around.

Tucker’s background:  We rescued him at 2 months old.  So, we assume that he was fighting for his food (or having it stolen from him) before he was found and then rescued by us.  We have had him now for over two and a half years.

We have tried EVERYTHING!  I mean everything.  But, as soon as I put down a bowl of food, he snaps and becomes the beast.

BUT, it is different if I am feeding him a snack out of my hand.  I have started feeding him his dinner out of my hands.  He happily eats.  Never growls.  And walks away with a “thank you” attitude. SO, HERE IS THE QUESTION:  Is this helping or making it worse?  Will he learn to separate food and aggression?  Or am I spoiling him?

Self Condemnation

There are things that I have regretted in my life, things I still regret.  If I could go back and change something, would I?  YES, I would change a lot.  I have had that immense, deep hurt in my heart for things that I have done or not done that I should have.  But, I have never killed anyone.

The Apostle Paul was a dedicated persecutor of Christians.  He hated them to the point of murder.  He was young and watched when Stephen was stoned to death for following Jesus.  You can call me a wimp, but I hide my eyes during violence in movies, I can not fathom what it does to someone to watch someone else being stoned to death.  It is evil.  That is all I can say.  Paul continued his education as a Pharisee and grows to despise followers of Christ.  He does all he can to have them put to death in an attempt to eliminate them all.  He hates them so much that he travels to seek out christians to kill them.  And then.  He changes.  He becomes a follower of Jesus himself.

Endless, immeasurable regret.  The faces of those that he murdered playing over and over in his head.  The anguish that Paul must have lived with.  Or did he?

“There is no condemnation for those that are in Christ Jesus.”  Those are the words of Paul.

Do you have regret in your life?  Have you murdered masses of people?  Paul did.  And he learned the meaning of true forgiveness.

Of Mine

It approaches.  Darkness beyond the night.  An icy cold more than the winter.  Swirling and consuming.  How can I see the dark?  It is an absence of the light.  Covering all and ruling all, hiding and shielding everything in its path.

Where is this nebulous?  In my heart.

Why so lightless?  I want refuge, useless to seek.  Give me answers to questions, meaningless to ask.  The darkness that swallows me with no apology.

Blink.  Hint.  Beam.  Tiny spark.  Fragile candle.  Oh little light, you are the conquerer.  Darkness is gone.  With no fight, with no encounter.  The intensity vanishes.

Little light.  Victory.

Whistle While You Work

I am not a Walmart shopper.  Let me rephrase that, I am not a willing Walmart shopper.  I wasn’t born yesterday.  I have been treated rudely often enough by Walmart employees to not be a believer in their customer service commercials.  Oh, the post I could write about the things employees at Walmart have said to me over the years.  Shesh!  …BUT!  Although, I do most of my grocery shopping elsewhere, I am constantly sucked in.  I average about once a week.  They have stuff I need and usually the lowest price around.

HOWEVER, the other day, I actually left Walmart with a smile on my face.  Don’t fall over dead or call me a liar!  I know, I know, Doesn’t sound possible, BUT, as I am checking out, an older gentleman, I am guessing in his 70s strikes up a friendly conversation with my girl and I (already, this is far far above the normal courtesy that I find there) and then he starts to sing to us!  An old song about loving your mother.  He is singing to my daughter.  I melted.

Everyone walking by, and everyone standing near (which is a lot of people) are turning and staring and giving him the “What in the world are you doing?!” look and the “You are an idiot” look.  The look I am giving him?  The “You have made my day” look.

People that think that he has lost his mind, I say that he may be one of the few in that store that has found it!  What a joy to see a kind soul that is actually enjoying his job in customer service and is actually in the business of serving!  It was, by far, my best experience at Walmart ever.  I thanked him, but it just didn’t seem like enough.