I’m a Big Girl Now

From a little girl, my eyes were peeled, scanning the room for opinions of others.

Does she like what I am wearing?
Did my words impress them?
How does my hair look today?
Does everyone approve?

And on and on the list goes! I was looking, looking, looking to impress.

Fast forward. I am in my thirties. Caroline is on a treadmill beside her husband, surrounded by supermodels, and I am center stage at the gym. Since this time, we have joined the YMCA. Love the Y. This other particular gym held our membership for about two months. I think every member of the gym was a pro-athlete, model, billionaire …everyone except me.

But here I am, these are my surroundings. I have my ears plugged, listening to music, and running. My husband (who does fit the hottie stereotype that I am surrounded by 😍) is running (much faster) beside me. I see his lips move. Oh, I pull out my earbuds. I turn to hear what he is saying to me. Running. Running. Turning my head. …I am not that coordinated.

SMACK! Caroline is trying to do too much at one time. I’ve lost it all. Desperately gripping the two bars beside me, it is all that keeps my face from smacking the moving treadmill. However, my legs are not so fortunate. They continue to drag on the still running treadmill.

It seems like eternity passes. This is what I hear as I go down: Deep, sympathetic oohs and ahhs as everyone watches me wipe out. Completely wipe out.

After eternity, James pushes the off button. Every single eye in the gym is on me. Waiting for tears. Waiting for the ambulance to arrive. Waiting for me to run and hide and never be seen again.

What do I do? I stand up. I return to my treadmill. I look at James and I make a realization, I say, “I am not embarrassed.” I step up and I continue running.

This was a point in my life. Lots of moments have led up to this point, but here I realize, “I could absolutely care less what other people think.” Not in a rude mean way, but in a I don’t get embarrassed anymore way.

What happened? So very much!

After showing “all” to bring a baby into this world, after being infinitely loved by the most perfect man alive, after walking through life with the badge of Cancer, after picking my nauseously sick body up off the floor and giving all I’ve got to face another day, after the God of the universe shows me his glory and realizing that I am a princess of the king of kings, after wearing five year old homemade jewelry in public, yelling in Target at the top of my lungs because my toddler disappeared around the corner…after surviving this life and this story that I’ve got, I have learned what really does and does not matter in this life.

I guess I am a big girl now.


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38 thoughts on “I’m a Big Girl Now

  1. Embarrassment is a word that left my vocabulary a long time ago. My illness is different to yours, but I do know how it is to have to have someone tending to your most intimate needs. Nothing can embarrass you after that.

    I am loving your blog and wanted to thank you for inspiring those of us with potentially terminal illnesses – whatever they may be!

    Liked by 5 people

  2. Thanks for this! I struggle with trying to impress or seek approval, but my goal in life is to love God and enjoy him forever—casting all else aside and be emptied so I can be filled up with Jesus.

    Liked by 3 people

  3. I love this! I can relate to being embarrassed at school and now that I’m heading into my 30’s I see that there is no embarrassment that will make me run and hide. It is a beautiful feeling being comfortable anywhere and not thinking what others might think or say about you. Great post and such positive vibes πŸ™‚

    Liked by 3 people

  4. I have had too many of those moments to be embarrassed anymore, My children are embarrassed for me, which alternately ticks me off or makes me laugh. “Oh Dad!” I hear all the time They will get there too, and understand, like you.

    Liked by 3 people

  5. Let me tell you how great of a writer/story teller you are; not only do you have my attention, I also look forward to reading your blogs because they always leave me smiling with inspiration. If you knew me you’d know I hardly make time for things that don’t matter. You matter, what you are writing about and how you make me and others that Reader your blog feel is the substance that most bloggers are missing today.

    Liked by 3 people

  6. Nice piece, C! I think most all of us feel like our “gowns are left opened in the back” exposing us as vulnerable, at times, and I think when we’re not feeling our best we feel our “most vulnerable”….I’ve acquired my “big girl pants”, too (Kind of comes with living and life experiences, I guess), but I find that no matter how OLD I am or how EXPERIENCED I am, I still find myself “looking for that nod of approval”, at times….I think all of us do…think it has to do more with needing “human validation”, more than “getting approval” from the next guy…Anyways, enjoyed your piece (as usual!) πŸ™‚

    Liked by 2 people

    • I agree 😊 I hope/pray/am trying to find my validation in: thank you for your help/you are a great friend/I see Jesus in you vs the things of this world. Thank you for reminding me to give this validation to others!

      Liked by 1 person

  7. Thank you for being the first follower of my newly minted blog to dive deep into my soul trying to figure out who I am and what I am to do to try and make myself fulfilled and satisfied in my post cancer, but dialysis driven lifestyle. It’s amazing how one dirty little “C” word can forever change your life, your goal, expectations, your whole entire being is blown up and forever changed. Anyway, I may sound a bit Un-Godly and not greatful at times as I try to work things out, but it is nothing short of a miracle that I am still here. In thr next few days I’ll try and post up the journey that I have been on the last 5years. Stay tuned! πŸ™‚ I’ll probably buy your cancer book after the be giving of the month, I can use inspiration and some laughs in my life. I always seem to be the inspirational that has my stuff together all the time, even though a lot of times I am only holding on to my smile with a thin thread. πŸ™‚

    Liked by 1 person

    • We are in this together! Sometimes I am not even holding on my a thread, I’ve given up and fallen off! Thank you Jesus that he never let go of me!

      If you read my book, I would love your feedback!


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