I Hate You. Give Me a Hug!

Allow me to say something extremely controversial, men and women are completely different. Not going into that debate right now, but because this is my article and I get to, I’m just going to state that as a fact. They are.

Pre-marriage, James and I were having this conversation and trying to help each other out. We were trying our best to understand the planet that the other came from.

James, a grown man still appreciated monster trucks. I found that just embarrassing. He understood economics, knew how to clean guns and change the oil in the car, and laughed at farting jokes that I thought were highly inappropriate.

I, his extreme opposite, could gain control of a group of children and teach them something educational, could cut a pomegranate the right way, could change a diaper, and could write all day long on any topic.

(I know we fall into extremely traditional gender roles. I’m not saying this is the way it has to be. (It is just who we are.)

But as we sat discussing each other, oblivious in young love that it would ever be possible for us to ever get mad at the other person, I said something to James that was perhaps my best premarital advice, “When I get mad at you and say ‘Go away’ what I really mean is ‘Come here and give me a hug and make this better.'”

I can hear the married women shouting at me now, “Not me! That’s not what I mean!”

Sometimes, yes, we need space. But here is what I do disagree with.

I once heard a middle aged man bragging that he and his wife of several years had never ever gotten into an argument. Meant to be a bragging point, I immediately thought, “They must have a horrible marriage!”

Ya see, when two people blend their lives, someone is bound at some point to disagree with the other person. Did they not know how to face conflict? Was one of them afraid of the other’s controlling temper? Or maybe he was just lying?

I admit, I can get more upset with James than with anyone else in this whole world but during those times I still want to know that he loves me. I might be really really pissed about something but I want to hear, “I still want you. I still chose you. I still think you are beautiful. And we will work this out.”

So, discussing differences, James is logical and I am emotional. So, in the beginning when I was discussing gender roles. The responsibility of remembering this falls on my man.

When things get heated and I start yelling, what I really want to hear is, “Honey, I love you.”

Not fair, I know. Give me a hug.

27 thoughts on “I Hate You. Give Me a Hug!

  1. I’ve been married for almost 13 years and my husband and I have never had a fight. But don’t get this statement wrong. This doesn’t mean that we’ve never disagreed, been angry, or walked away from one another. What this means is that neither of us like to scream and yell. Neither of us want to have to face the aftermath of an argument that went too far – because once something has been said, it’s out there. The words never leave. The sting never fades.

    Our thought has always been: How do you recover from that?

    So instead of fighting, we talk things out, we compromise, or we walk away until our emotions are under control. I know this doesn’t work for everyone, but it works for us. And I hope that in 13 years, I can still say the same thing: we’ve never had a fight.

    Liked by 3 people

  2. Good read. From my first long-term relationship I have learnt a few simple things.
    1. When you do something stupid, apologise.
    2. When you are wrong, admit you are wrong.
    3. Women are sensitive and sometimes know more than you expect.
    4. My girlfriend was always right until she admitted I had a point too.
    5. Hugs save difficult moments. Appreciate the hugs.

    I am a man by the way. After a few big fights I adopted these guidelines and remembered a simple thing for myself: make her happy, make smile and everything will be all right.

    Liked by 2 people

  3. Very smart of you to help your partner decipher your code. I don’t think marital differences have anything to do with gender. I am with a woman, and she and I have those same kinds of differences. It’s part of what makes a partnership work. If we were same-same, there’d be no interest. She often reminds me of the time I commanded, “Stop moving! Come over here!”

    Liked by 1 person

  4. This is a great article and so true. The pastor who married my hubby and I said to a bunch of us one day, “If a couple says they never argue, then either they are lying or one of them isn’t necessary!” The Bible says that “as iron sharpens iron, so one man sharpens another”. Marriage is a really great way to force us to grow up. That takes a lot of (heated) discussion sometimes. lol . Debbie

    Liked by 1 person

      • Very true also! I gather he wasn’t afraid of what his congregation would have to say about his words. I also know his very beautiful wife had a strong will, but he always spoke very highly of her and was willing to admit that she challenged him often and yet ……. he appreciated that in her. He was very secure. Women are really good for men. Help mate doesn’t mean people pleaser or doormat! πŸ™‚ Debbie.

        Liked by 1 person

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