Spread the Secret

There are many me, there are lots of me’s that enjoy a big pot roast, me’s walking the isles at Publix, I see me picking up my kid at school, or even the multitude of me’s sitting in churches across this Western World. 

I have lived my life following the crowd of the must have. The media has influenced what I say. Oh!  Don’t get me wrong!  I have spoken out enough to make enemies with those I don’t like anyway, but never enough to get a label. I have lived my life in search of bigger and better, prettier and stronger, richer and more powerful. 

But last week, I took a trip that I didn’t want to take. Remember the day I had to write?  Remember me holding in the tears in Target?  Well, my levels were up where they shouldn’t be up and my oncologist ordered lots of scans. It sounded just like the previous six times that led to surgery. And not all surgeries are created equal. Add the C word for a dramatic effect and as the surgeries multiply, the risks and recovery are harder. Well, that time I wrote about what I couldn’t write about, it was that. Last week, Nana stayed with my girl and James and I took that oh so routine trip to Duke Medical Center. It is worth the drive. It is the difference between life and death. 

A sick feeling rises in my stomach while I try to prepare myself, thinking about things I had not let myself think about before. But my husband slips his hand into mine and then it can’t all be wrong. What I care most about is right. And I get an email from my mentor sent around the 5 o’clock hour and she has prayed in the presence of the Holy One on my behalf. And I get a text and another text and more that dear friends are praying and what more can I ask?

It all begins with an ultra sound, I grab James’s hand and I am prepared for the worst, “Completely normal. Nothing to worry about.”  Followed by a CT Scan and a bone scan:  My oncologist sent in his PA. (Pause here. I absolutely adore my doctor but when he sends in his PA, that is the news I want!)  All normal. 

But, ya see, this is the third time in 2015 that I have lived a similar situation. It never gets easier, maybe even harder, but each and every time I learn something. And they will continue. I am a 19 year cancer survivor. Since 19 long years ago, my blood levels are off. My doctors continue to search and scan to locate that microscopic cancer that they know is somewhere. But their hope, and my prayer, is that I live my life being poked and prodded and that it never grows to a size where they can find it. It has before. Six surgeries. But I live my life with routine medical bills and visiting the best doctors in the world and this cancer is slow growing therefore I proclaim that my life is a beautiful life with cancer. 

And living my life from this perspective teaches me enough to write about it. The thorn in my side can also become the blessing. Although I would have never picked this road on my own, and I would switch lanes at any point that I could, the suffering is never wasted. And what did I learn this time?  


Yesterday, I accompanied my eight year old and her classmates to an assisted living home to spread some holiday cheer. My daughter, her friend, and I sat across from an elderly man coloring a picture.  As Madison chatted, like Madison does, the man must have told her a hundred times how smart she is. I smiled and introduced myself. He followed suit with his whole name. I then introduced my daughter and her friend. The sweet man we just met, smiled and told me he had two children, he pronounced the full name of one of his children and then paused with great pain on his face, “I am not smart like her. I forget.”

Not able to fathom the pain of forgetting the name of my own child, we moved on with the conversation. Because my God is awesome, he moved my daughter and her friend to share their recent memory work. They memorized all of Luke 2. (All 20 verses!)  As they recited the story, this precious man beamed. It was spiritual. 

When I do not have the option to take this life for granted, THANK YOU JESUS FOR SHOWING ME WHAT I LIVE FOR!  There was this tiny little baby, he was God Almighty coming to earth to save me!  There is no other religion where god loves me like that!  No other faith that says that I am good enough. No other spiritual life where I measure up to the God of the universe pursuing me! 

There are so many me’s walking around this world. We know God but we don’t want to get too weird about it. Ladies and gentlemen, ISIS is cutting off the heads of the infidel, mass shootings are the new norm, our president does not even recognize our enemy…this world is headed straight to hell!  I will strive to be more like my eight year old daughter:  “Here is the story of Jesus.  And when life hurts more than possible to endure, there is hope!  The story starts with a virgin birth, announced by angels. Hosanna in the highest!  I have good news of great joy for all the people!”  



39 thoughts on “Spread the Secret

  1. Sweet Caroline, your words were so needed today. I can feel your fears and yet your deep hope in the Lord. Our kids can be such a light to us as well. Last weekend my husband had a small stroke and I was one of those ms you’re talking about. He’s doing great, with no side effects, but it reminded me of how precious each moment on earth is. We must take each day as it comes and use it for God’s purpose. Then we an look ahead with confident hearts. May He continue to bless you

    Liked by 3 people

    • Thank you so very much for sharing! I am learning more and more that suffering is not useless, it is a hard lesson that reveals who we truly are. We prove that our hope is in this world and we become despondent or we use suffering to point is to our real hope and peace and joy: Jesus Christ! God is using you and your husband! I know it is hard! But one day, for all of us that love Jesus, it won’t be any more. It will be more perfect than we can wrap our minds around! Merry Christmas friend!

      Liked by 3 people

  2. Thanks Caroline for sharing your inspiration. I feel as if everyone need to take a step back and realize regardless of whether you chose to take life for granted or not . . .you still have to live it till the end. Heck why focus only on what you have to live for. Very thought provoking post! In light of sharing of wealth. I couldn’t help, but refer back to a post I did on Spirit Foods, many of which combat/cure the C word. ->http://nadiraslocs.com/2015/01/08/you-are-your-happy-foods/ <. I found that chart to be most helpful in my day-to-day. I hope it can be a stepping stone in your life as well if you are not already a regular Spirit Food eater. Nevertheless, I'm truly elated for you this Holiday Season. I pray its fill with many beautiful and unforgettable moments. Peace and always Love! ♥Egypt

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Thank you for allowing your suffering to point us to the Savior. Who knows what any of us has inside us, growing with the intent of destroying us. I thank God that you make yours public. You are a gifted writer, a dear sister, and a survivor for Jesus’ sake. I’m praying for you. Merry Christmas to you and your dear family. Christ is born. Halleluah!

    Liked by 2 people

  4. Beautiful faith and how wonderful that your daughter has memorized Luke 2! I am glad your tests were normal. May God bless your whole family this Christmas with great peace and joy! 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Bonjour CAROLINE en cette fin d’année

    Je suis le vent

    Pour balayer tes soucis

    Je suis la pluie

    Pour te rafraîchir les idées

    Je suis dans les nuages

    Pour ne pas oublier tes images

    Tu es dans mes pensées

    Pour ne pas perdre ton amitié

    Je t’envoie mon sourire

    Pour que tu sois réconforté

    Je t’envoie ma douceur

    Pour qu’elle reflète sur toi

    Je te souhaite une superbe journée

    Une bonne Année 2016


    Que 2016 soit ton année
    Que le bonheur soit ton allié

    Que le sourire soit ton invité
    Et que la joie embellisse tes journées

    Une bise pour toi


    Bonne Année à Toute Ta Famille


  6. Sweet Caroline… This is beautiful… I just discovered you and consider that a blessing. God bless you, I know he already has, living a life richer than most of us because you are AWARE, you are CONSCIOUS, you are PRESENT, and this too shall pass! I’m so looking forward to reading your story. Xx
    M. T.

    Liked by 1 person

  7. I am due for a mammeogram in February which I dread. Yes I am a breast cancer survivor that dreads the treatment I wonder what will happen if cancer is found again and I deci9de not to get the treatments.


  8. Lovely post, so honest and painful yet full of the same inspiring joy that I love! I am sorry I missed this earlier and I pray you had a Merry Christmas! Hoping that everything is OK since this appears to have been your last post, at least as far as what is showing up for me. Know that you are in my prayers and that you have touched my heart with words i needed to hear many times! Blessings to you!! ❤

    Liked by 1 person

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