The Soul of My Body

The AC is blowing a little colder than I prefer to the preference of my family. The road curves, winding around the tall mountains.  I know these roads well. 

Madison did not take long to lay aside the iPad and ask, “Where’s my book?”  Even with the new apps, she isn’t much impressed by electronics. 

Our family photo books are splattered with pictures of our family exploring Duke Gardens and the college town restaurants. Madison handles these long drives and nights in “our hotel” like little family adventures. She doesn’t know life without them. 

But smack in the very center of the whole rondezvous is a very long visit that could turn into hours of waiting followed by a possible spontaneous scan, traveling on to bloodwork. It has happened that we plan another doctor appointment and then pre surgery scan, surgery, nights in the hospital, follow up, babysitter, missing school, makeup work, time off work, reconfiguring medication……

I just never know. And I stare out the window at the mountains passing by and I wonder what is ahead of me. Oh thank God that this world is temporary!

“To live is Christ and to die is gain.”  I used to think Paul’s words were morbid, but now I get it. They are more alive than ever. In fact, the more I love this life, the more I know, I know this is not life and I am just packing and getting ready for what really matters. This soul in my body is not made for this world. 

And the visit is fast. We are in and out of there and James and I take a deep sigh of relief and thank the Lord for a boring doctor visit and Madison doesn’t know there was the possibility of anything else. She is just smiling while I praise her manners and we start to anticipate the fun night on the town that awaits us. 

And I take Madison’s sweet little hand in one of mine and I hold the strength of my husband’s in the other and my heart knows the living meaning of a family that loves me. And I thank God for the answered prayers of a good checkup and for doing what it took for me to know that I have a body that is of this world but this soul will live forever. 

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Hell of Heart

The charming prince took his princess in his arms and kissed her soft lips and they lived happily ever after.  The End.

IT IS WHAT WE ALL WANT!  Give your nays and your excuses and your no I don’ts, but this is the desire of all of humanity.  We are all a unique version of our own princes and princesses, but we all want to be loved and we want it FOREVER!

Philosophies come along and slice this, dissect it, and study it under a microscope:

Find your own happy.

Why not two princesses?

My lips can never be soft.

The crown doesn’t fit.

And the water gets so dirty, that we toss it all out, baby and all.  Well, the baby is the whole point of the bath, so bring him back in, chubby rolls and all, let’s get him dressed for bed and snuggle up.

America.  Those damn forefathers screwed it all up for us, look at all their mistakes.  We have the unforgiving sins of slavery, the Trail of Tears, and we were much too late to enter WWII.  YES!  I agree.  AWFUL!  But look at our history and look at YOU AND ME!  We make mistakes.  What matters is if we learn from it.  Have we?  I think so.  What matters is if we have character.  What a miraculous story, the history of America!  How did that baby nation become the strongest superpower in the world?  It is a fairytale!  I am in complete admiration when I study the men and women that established this nation that I now call home.  But we look at the mistakes in this fairytale and throw out the baby with the bathwater.

The Bible.  Most “christians” are labeled as judgmental hypocrites, and for good reason.  But look at the men and women of the Bible.  They are not what modern people think about when they hear the word, “christian.”  David was a murderer and adulterer and he wrote a big huge chunk of the Bible.  Moses was a murderer and he led God’s people out of slavery and into the Promised Land.  David was the young shepherd of his family, designated to watching sheep, and he defeated the giant, sending the enemies of Israel fleeing.  Jesus uses tax collectors, prostitutes, lepers, and on and on and on.  Your past does not matter, Jesus knows what he intends for you to be!  Do not toss out the greatest message ever preached:  GRACE.  But we look at who we judge as judgmental and we toss out the Bible, baby and all.

God uses the weak, the ugly, the sick, and the poor.  Are you Joshua that has given up on the whole sha-bang because those walls of Jericho are just too tall?  Are you David too afraid to meet the giant on the playing field?  Perhaps you are about to accomplish the impossible!  Maybe you are Ben Carson that was abandoned by his father and everything about you says you are just another statistic to end up dead or in jail.  Just show up because you are not called to accomplish the work, that is God’s part!  Do not look at your mistakes and your failures and toss out that baby in the dirty water, there is a part to keep and a lesson to learn.  Hell wins when we hold back!  We already know how it all works out, and it is a happy ending! We are LOVED and it is intended to last FOREVER!

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The doctor kept talking but I did not hear any of it. I felt like I could not breathe. I was led into the room where his tiny body lay. There were IV’s and tubes inside him everywhere. His tiny body was covered with a white sheet, only his head was exposed. I slowly rubbed my fingers down his cheek. He was still warm and just looked like he was sleeping only he was a little pale. I carefully removed the tube from his nose and I said, “Shh. It’s okay,” as I did so.

He should be in our home. He should be in his bedroom that was carefully prepared for him with details of his little life already added. On his closet door, there was a picture colored from Gracie of the two of them standing under the sun and blue sky on a field of flowers. His clothes were carefully laid out on his changing table for our day of shopping. He loved to make noises as he pushed little cars wherever he went. He was always carrying a matchbox car with him. Carter had set up a track beside his crib and the two of them would push cars and Carter would race them and Tucker would laugh so admiringly at his big brother. He should be lying in his crib, covered with his favorite blue fuzzy blanket. He should be wearing those cotton baseball jammies that snapped up the front. His hair should be matted down and sticking up on one side. His body should be warm and I would pick him up and put his cheek to mine and sing “Rise and Shine” as we revisited Gracie’s room to wake her up.

But my world had been turned upside down. Things were not as they should be. I had never cried so hard. I had never hurt so badly. I kissed his little face over and over. I could not tell him goodbye. I would not tell him goodbye! He was one year, eight months and two days old. He meant the world to me. How could I say goodbye to all the promises that his life held?

He was an early walker. I knew he was going to be a marathon runner. He was always smiling. I knew he was going to be the classroom clown. He had big blue eyes. He was going to be such a handsome man. He had a perfect father and big brother to teach him everything that a man should be. How could I say goodbye to our play time together while the other kids were at school? How could I tell Gracie her “little baby doll” was gone? How could I say goodbye to kindergarten graduation? How could I say goodbye to baseball games? How could I say goodbye to college plans? And the beautiful wife that I had already been praying for? And the job where he was going to succeed? How could I say goodbye to his big blue eyes? How could I say goodbye to his eyes? I cried and cried over his little body until there were no more tears. But there was a new deep deep pain that I had never felt before.

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