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Instant bad mood. I search around for my screaming phone on the floor under my bed. The damn alarm clock continues to scream at the top of its lungs. Slowly gaining control of my sleeping body, I step out of bed, pick up my phone and turn off the alarm. The pain of waking up. In heaven, I will roll over and enjoy the waking up process just as much as snuggling into bed and drifting off to sleep. (That is if we sleep in heaven.)
My world runs about me in fast forward. Honking impatiently at the slow moving car, spending what we don’t have for the newest item that hits the shelves, driving around our children to some place other than home. Why do I join the insanity of the crowd? I do believe in busying oneself with hard work, but that is not what is happening here. We are all consumed with what does not matter.
Now. What we want is now. The admiring stares of those we don’t know. Now. The praise of what drives us around. Now. Winners of the race. Packed pantries to overflowing. Fashonable jewelry on our bodies and extra in the closet. Fancy modern restaurants. Everything that our neighbors have. Our neighbors that we want to be like, not the ones outside of our neighborhood.
But all we think about is now and we laugh at anyone that suggests otherwise.
Ted Turner is famous for a lot of things, one of them is stating what is on his mind. Hey, I can respect that. He likes to chose his words so that other people listen. He doesn’t just fit into the crowd. I respect that also. But I wish that someone would tell him, and a whole lot of the rest of the world, that they are on the wrong train. When Turner quoted, “I’d rather go to hell. Heaven has got to be boring.” I wish someone would have asked him, “What do you want most in life?”….”It will be in heaven.”
Heaven is better than being a billionaire. There is money to spare, Hey, let’s pave these streets with gold. Heaven is better than pornography! THERE WILL BE PERFECT BODIES WALKING AROUND NAKED! And it will be a good thing! No one will be embarrassed! (There will be no sin in heaven. Pornography is a destructive, cruel sin. The point is, naked bodies will be good….and everywhere.) Heaven is better than Hawaii. All the food will be paid in full! Heaven is better than Christmas! That baby Jesus, he will be with us! It doesn’t sound boring to me!
And what will not be in heaven? Babies without mommies. Wheelchairs won’t be needed in heaven, or medicine, or hospitals. There will not be divorce, no one’s heart will be broken. What have you been through? What hurts? What tugs at your heart and makes you cry out, “That is not right!” God will end it. He will make all the wrongs undone and he will wipe away that tear.
“Jesus’ miracles are not just a challenge to our minds, but a promise to our hearts, that the world we want is coming.” Tim Keller.
So, look at this world. Read the Bible. Take a look at what is good in this world. LORD, FIX MY PRIORITIES! SET MY MIND ON THINGS ETERNAL! Get ready. It is going to be the best party of all of eternity. Don’t throw away your invitation.
“Gabriel, you have been to earth. Explain the humans to me.”
They could see, the angels could always see us. Our limitation to one dimension is an earthly boundary. Before them, around them, were people (of course, the people could not see the angels) and the people were driving here and there, busily going about their business.
“These little contraptions are called cars. They carry the humans from home to work or a place to eat or to visit with another humans or to a variety of places. They can not fly or transport as we do. They take great pride in their contraption. If it is big, like that one, they like it better. Shiny, like this one, gives them more points. This one has smudges and this is not the preferred shape. This makes the other humans not like the person inside it as much.”
“These little flat devices, they hold to their ears and talk to someone that is not with them….someone with this shape is avoided….if you have less of this paper…..a smaller home to sleep in…”
Gabriel was interrupted by the inquiring angel, “But that is not their home, none of those things matter! Their time on earth is so quickly lived, why do they waste their resources that were given to them to help others enter heaven for such measly things that do not matter?!”
Sometimes I sit and watch this world and I find such humor in ourselves. I find humor in myself! Why do I care so much about these possessions that are outdated, broken, and useless tomorrow? Why do I care so much what other people think about me?
The big C word is a brand on my forehead that demotes me to a lower status. Oh, many use it for “pity me points” but I do not want your pity. I have seen some use my own brand and their association with me to be the one up story or the gossipy prayer request. I want to be free, I want to be low maintenance, take care of myself, independent, strong, and healthy.
And that is one of the very reasons that I believe that God gave me this thorn in my side, “Caroline, depend on me. You CAN NOT do this life on your own.”
So, for nineteen years I have lived having to explain my condition, lived with the secret and knowing when to share, just now being able to tell my story over Beautiful Life with Cancer, realizing that all these little habits that I fall into with the rest of the world, DO NOT MATTER! It is absolutely ridiculous when I take a minute to separate from this silly culture and this human life to see the sacrifices I make to “fit in” while I am walking right by someone in need or being selfish for the sake of things when I am called to serve and give.
I AM HEALED. Nineteen years of this thorn in my side means that I beat it! I have survived. If this story trails behind me and part of my purpose in life is to share it, and that is how I can help others, then I thank God and I beg of him to be the strength inside of this human that sometimes makes no sense at all.
Fashion waxes and wanes, the memories of trends captured in pictures. Pictures taken from a camera, not a phone. The comfort of childhood clothes, a closet full of my profession, maternity pants, weight gained and weight lost. My dress is admired or my outfit is sloppy. The daily additions and cancelations, I take them off and I put them on. The differences because of a choice of clothes that people see in me.
The mirror tells the truth of lines that once were not there. My grandmother in heaven is remembered by her voice calling out my young pudgy tummy. Baby fat now carries a new meaning. My tattoos are scars, they each have a story. Some written and shared, others written on my heart. This body grows and this body changes. Memories of who I used to be. Simple things accomplished that now can not be repeated. I just tell of them, of the body that was attached to me.
To the man that looks approvingly or the lady that judges me. I speak to people that are my friends and that are my enemies. What you see is not. It is not me. It changes daily. Slowly growing and fading, the debt of humanity. Your dirty smile or your nose turned up goes unnoticed to me because in simple changes that mean nothing at all, your expression would change toward me.
I take off the years like a sweater and my hair will fade to gray like the taking off and putting on of earrings. Shoes changed is my health fading. A belt applied is the years passing by. My body changes like my wardrobe. But, what you see is not. It is not me.
Judge me by my character. The ease of the first glance does not do justice to the soul’s stance. Let’s be friends and chat and smile and cry. Let’s live before we die. Because living is forever but this body is and never will be me. My soul will live for eternity.
All is quiet, quieter than reality. Sleeping, sleeping, nature sleeping. Sleeping in longer than ought. The grass, trees, the walkways, stones, and flowers, all are wrapped in a blanket, a blanket of snow. Sleeping, sleeping, nestled into bed. Sleeping, sleeping in like a Saturday morning.
Daddy gives a little nudge and a kiss on the cheek, “Wake up Mommy, Mother Nature, time to wake.”
She is no morning person. She grabs the snowy blanket and rolls over.
After a little more time, Daddy nudges again, “The children are getting antsy. Wake up dear.”
She turns and yawns, the sun rises in the sky.
The blanket is thrown back, melting, melting snow.
Arms lifted high, stretch, stretched high. Rising, rising plants that have been hidden.
Fingers spread in a last final stretch. Pop, buds pop and shake and jingle.
Step, step out of bed. The temperature rises.
Final stand. Animals invited, tweet, run, and play.
Mommy Nature is awake. All the human children dance and sing, it is finally, finally spring!
I have learned that this is a very emotional topic. Honestly, I am not really sure why, but if I ever talk about this (which is not that often), I get people really upset. So, I apologize…I don’t apologize….don’t want to make you mad, but here it is:
“To suppose that the eye with all its intimate contrivances for adjusting the forces to different differences, for admitting different amounts of light, and for the correction of spherical and chromatic aberration, could have been formed by natural selection, seems, I freely confess, absurd in the highest degree.”
Guess who said that? Yep, the big man himself! CHARLES ROBERT DARWIN!!! There is some food for thought, the man who proposed the theory of evolution denied it himself.
From a scientific standpoint, let’s look at the theory of evolution. Years ago, I attended a lecture under Ken Hamm. He is a genius of a man and definitely a great man of thinkers of the modern world. He completely demolished the possibility of evolution in one fatal two minute blow describing the impossibility of a giraffe evolving. It would have died several times during that process. But he continued and by the end of it, any evolutionist would be crawling under the table. I can not recommend enough the resources found at answersingenesis.org
From a Biblical standpoint, there are those that believe that God created the world through evolution. There are several problems with that but to state one: Adam named all the animals before Eve was created. So, this theory suggests that evolution occurred to lead up to Adam and Eve and that evolution occurred before the fall. So, this theory states that death occurred before the fall, which is not biblical because death was a part of the curse and did not exist before it.
And now, for the title: From an emotional standpoint, Evolution screws the helpless. According to evolution, it is survival of the fittest. According to evolution, this is what we’ve got, right now. So, if you are dying a painful death, if you are a starving child, if you are living each day in agony, the remedy is to end it all. There is no reason to keep going. There is no hope. There is no value for human life. If you are born with a deformity, you are a mistake, the world will be better when you are gone.
Do I leave you with no hope? NO! Because I do not believe in evolution. (Bet you couldn’t have guessed that.) And why do I write a post on evolution when I know some people are really pissed at me by this point? Because I want to tell those that do not know that there is hope! I have a reason to convince you! I want to tell you that you mean something! Sorry, but why would anyone try to convince me that evolution is real?!!! The proof of burden falls on the evolutionist. The God of the universe made you in his image! You have worth! He heals those with disease and injury and hurt! You have a purpose! If you are suffering, there is hope! There is a reason to struggle and survive! Because you are precious to the God that made it all!
Caroline is published! please click on the link below for more information about Beautiful Life with Cancer, Hope During the Hard Times and to purchase
The sun has hit the snooze button and we creep out of the garage in the darkness. Frost glistens on the grass and roofs and wreaths that are hanging on our windows. The car heat is turned on high and blowing on our feet. We have the morning count down. “Nine more days until Christmas. Three more days of school.”
We sit in silence and sleepiness as we join the early birds on the road and continue on our journey to school. I take a sip of my morning energy. Coffee. I take another sip. I have been through the check list before we left the house, but I can not help but run it through my head again. Is Madison prepared for school? Plaid skirt and polo shirt? Check. The weather is cold. Fleece and leggings. Check. The weather is colder than that. Heavy coat. Check. Gloves in her backpack because she doesn’t want to wear them but incase she changes her mind. Check.
But at this point, that is definitely not enough. She is still not even close to ready for school. Morning preparations: Daddy made her scrambled eggs and she had a glass of water. Check. I supervised the brushing of her teeth. Check. Combed her hair and pulled it into her favorite do, a ponytail. Check. Face washed. Check. Oh, so far from being prepared for school.
Healthy school lunch in her lunchbox, in her backpack. Check. Two healthy snacks in small animal shaped containers in her front backpack pocket. Check. Water bottle. Check. Homework folder in binder. Check. Binder in backpack. Check. She is not ready for this day at all.
With my eyes open, as I am driving down the road, “Madison, let’s pray:
Thank you for Madison. I pray that she will enjoy learning about your creation today. I pray she will be kind and patient and obedient. I pray she will know when to talk and when she needs to listen. Thank you for her school and her teacher and her friends. Thank you for Daddy. We pray that he will have a wonderful day at work. Please keep us safe and healthy today. Please help us to do your will today.
We love you Jesus. Amen
And now she is ready. She is prepared for this day. We roll to a stop. She unbuckles and gives me a kiss. I return the favor on her cheek. “I love you. Goodbye.”
Jesus is going with her. It is the only way that I can let her go.
God is with us! Have you felt the pains of fear? Have you had a little one depend on you and not know if you could fulfill? Have you hurt the one you love? Are you the one that never gets it right? Are you alone? Immanuel! “God with us.” It answers all my questions! It does not matter how much I hurt because he came to make it all better! It does not matter if I do without because he came to give me everything! It does not matter if I am lonely because the King of Kings and Lord of Lords calls me by name, adopts me as his child, and gives me an inheritance as his daughter! Immanuel.
Why?! Why do I think my situation is too hard for him? Why do I think my struggles are something new? He made the universe that is set in motion. He designed the laws of physics and he controls the stars and the weather and the animals and everything! He is a God of order. BUT, he defied all the laws by being born of a virgin, by announcing his birth through angels, and by breaking the bonds of death and rising back to life to pay for the sins of the world! God is the only god that is personal, the only god that sees this messed up world and personally came to make all the wrongs right. He is the only god that says, “Caroline, you do not have to do anything. You can not do anything. You can not live a life that is good enough.” And he loved me and he saved me. It was all him. Praise Immanuel!
‘Til death do them part, Science and Creation are a happy couple. A while ago, on the local Christian station, I heard an announcer say how sad it was that “science” was the word of the year. His logic was that it had replaced religion…..ummmm…NO! And then I read articles explaining how Christians live by choosing to just believe in stuff and ignore science….ummmm….NO! And then I hear that as we learn more and more about how things work, that we worship God less and less…..again….NO!
I am raising a little Scientist. By the age of 7, she has lost hours studying random matter under a microscope (during play time), I have sat with her and read about splitting hydra, her deepest wishes and best presents have included: 2 geckos, fish, a frog, hamster, guinea pig, dog, and 2 kittens. (that list would continue, but I have to stop it somewhere.) She sits and reads animal reference books for fun. She knows that the holes on the side of a geckos head are supposed to be there. (Silly Mommy getting worried.) She knows that there are no female peacocks….they are called peahens. She can tell if a live turkey is male or female by its plumage. Her questions never end, “Why do the leaves change colors? What makes a storm? Why do people’s bodies grow?” There is NO END to the questions! And as I have researched, as I have found answers, as we have learned together, (love of Science does not come naturally to me) but as I have learned, something has happened: I HAVE WORSHIPED GOD!
OK, I’m loosing some people. Some have clicked out and already labeled me a nut. Others are contemplating in their head that they believe in Evolution or The Big Bang, or perhaps, you say you believe in a combination of Evolution and Creation? One thing, I will limit my comments to one thing: The third law of thermodynamics is entropy. Entropy says that matter falls apart over time. It says that the world continues toward destruction, decomposition, or chaos over time. Evolution says that matter improves. According to Science, Evolution is not possible!
Imagine a grandfather building a car. Imagine that grandfather taking his grandson by the hand day after day. They spend hours together. The grandfather explains to the grandson how the car works. He tells of how, day after day, he built the car. He says what came first. He tells of the first time he started up the engine and heard it roar. What is happening? The grandson is building a relationship with his grandfather. He is learning more and more about his grandfather. His love for his grandfather will grow. He thinks his grandfather is pretty cool for building that car. He knows the car would not be there without his grandfather. Science is God taking us by the hand and saying, “Let me tell you how I made this. Look at the water, do you see that it is made of H2O. Look at the worm. Do you see that it is male and female? Look at your body. Do you see how I made your heart pump blood?”
Little tantrum here, please excuse my loud voice, Do not tell me that because I am a Christian, I do not believe Science. Christians! Do not tell me that science is evil! Science is the study of God’s Creation. It is a gift to us. …..and at Christmas time, I like to ponder over my gifts and thank the giver.
Small little girl, there was insignificant little Caroline. It was before the foundation of the earth. Upon my knees, I bowed. No life in my body, staring into the abyss, gazing into the world that was not yet created.
Your hands reached down. Large and strong. Your meek hands compassed my face, circling and examining.
Rightful power to crush me, before my life begins. Judgement and execution can not be denied you.
Hands within an inch of my face, covered every inch. Your left hand paused. Your right hand turned. My cheek is exposed to the back of your right hand. Slap? Eliminate? Start over with your creation?
Your eyes looked at me. They pierced through my chest and into my not yet beating heart. You saw my future, my life, my burdens, and my struggles. You could make me never be.
Your right hand, turned to my cheek. Will it begin to erase? It moved. Gently, softly, it rubbed down my face. You move forward. With your whole body, none of me is left exposed. The God of the Universe hugged me.
Slowly, you backed. A deep breath and a thought gives me life. You smiled. My cries were heard on earth. A new baby was born.
This life, you gave me. You made me and you approved.
When I am scared, when I fail, when I look and compare and say, “I am not enough,” when I cry, when I despair, I close my eyes. As still as I can be. As absent from this world as possible. All I do is feel. And you are there. Your arms surround me. None of me is exposed. You whisper like you do, “Baby girl, I made you. You are mine. I approve.” The God of the Universe is hugging me.