The Goodness of Pain

Oh no!  There was no way around the large puddles now. I splashed right through them. My pants were already soaked through so that I could feel the coldness upon my legs. The sudden downpour caught me unexpected and soaked me through and through. Pain I did not like but with or without a good attitude, I tolerated it. 

The sound of the small drip, the sight of steam rising up from the coffee pot, the smell.  My brain was already enjoying the promise of a hot cup of coffee. After a hot shower and putting on comfy pajamas, nothing was a better ending to this cold day than holding a hot cup of coffee between my fingers. I slowly lifted the the large mug to my lips and, to my delight, the soft touch of my lips told me the contents of the cup was much too hot. Pain I enjoyed. 

I knew the seriousness of the moment as she slowly and solemnly entered my room. I put down the shirt I was ironing and simply looked into her eyes, telling her she had my attention. As tears rolled down her face, we collapsed into a chair and I held my arms around her. She recounted the guilt over a wrong and poured out her broken heart. There was no further need for discipline, her heart had learned the lesson well. Pain she learned from. 

There were even times that I intentionally brought pain on my own daughter that I love so much!  Lack of treats when she was craving them, remaining loyal to a sports team when she wanted to quit, shots at the doctor when she did not understand, stitches at the hospital, the natural consequences of forgetting to do her homework. I used pain for her own wellbeing. 

I didn’t know them all that well. But I hear that they’ve lost their two year old daughter in a drowning accident. I can not begin to explain this. I do not understand. But I take comfort in knowing the God who knows us through and through promises me that one day all the wrong will be undone. One day I will look upon his face and I will have no more questions. One day it will be all the better because in this oh so short life I have suffered real pain and real hurt. 

Simply put, the existence of pain is by no means an explanation that there is no God.  How could I ever question God, mere man that I am?  He gives and he takes away. Blessed be the name of the Lord!  And he simply looks into my eyes, showing me that I have his attention. We collapse into a comfortable chair, he wraps his arms around me and tears roll down my face. I tell him of my wrongs and my lessons learned. Blessed are those that suffer and they suffer for righteousness!

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Take Up Your Suffering and Follow Jesus

Immediately the leprosy left him and he was cleansed. 

Jesus sent him out with a strong warning, “See that you do not tell this to anyone.”

Why?!  Why not tell anyone?!  Hey!  Knowing from experience, if that was me, I’d tell the world!

Facebook update status:  JESUS HEALED ME!

Text message to the world:  are you sick?  Look what he did for me!

News report:  Let me share my story:  Sick. Healed. Jesus. 

WHY NOT TELL?

This is not the only verse where Jesus heals someone and then warns them to keep it a secret. It used to really get to me. And then I lived. I learned. I suffered. I matured. Sat under some good teaching. Had cancer and realized, “This life is so fleeting.”

HE IS BIGGER!  He is more than the here and now!  He heals more than this physical body!  Like a father, he looked on them and had compassion, he healed them but in their excitement they could not see that he was healing more than their bodies. 

To my live news broadcast, Jesus would respond, “I told you not to tell anyone because you don’t get it!  I did not come to heal bodies. I did not come to be king and ruler of this earth. I still had a lot to show you. I would suffer. I would die. Not what you were expecting?  Huh?  But watch. I’m going to do something even bigger than that!  I want to heal your soul. Not just the now, the eternity.”

Jesus is not the quick fix. “Take up your cross and follow me.”  And that is when the masses say, “oh never mind” and walk away. 

Then he performs a miracle, he tells the woman that had suffered for so many years, “Daughter, your faith has healed you. Go in peace and be freed from your suffering.”  

Do you think she never suffered again on this earth?  She did. She was a human living on this earth. It happens daily. But she got it. When Jesus healed her body, he healed her soul. That is what matters!  You know she saw every single day that her suffering  actually led her to Jesus!  If she had not suffered all those years, she would not have been determined to just touch the hem of his garment.

I want to suffer and let it lead me to Jesus, to the greatest healing of all!

I want to learn from my mistakes and change. I want to suffer and learn, get the big picture, not live for the now. I want to have eternal healing, not just of my body, but of my soul. I have decided to follow Jesus, I will take up my cross and follow him. 

A Link to My Longest Writing Ever

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Naked People in Heaven

Instant bad mood.  I search around for my screaming phone on the floor under my bed.  The damn alarm clock continues to scream at the top of its lungs.  Slowly gaining control of my sleeping body, I step out of bed, pick up my phone and turn off the alarm.  The pain of waking up.  In heaven, I will roll over and enjoy the waking up process just as much as snuggling into bed and drifting off to sleep.  (That is if we sleep in heaven.)

My world runs about me in fast forward.  Honking impatiently at the slow moving car, spending what we don’t have for the newest item that hits the shelves, driving around our children to some place other than home.  Why do I join the insanity of the crowd?  I do believe in busying oneself with hard work, but that is not what is happening here.  We are all consumed with what does not matter.

Now.  What we want is now.  The admiring stares of those we don’t know.  Now.  The praise of what drives us around.  Now.  Winners of the race.  Packed pantries to overflowing.  Fashonable jewelry on our bodies and extra in the closet.  Fancy modern restaurants.  Everything that our neighbors have.  Our neighbors that we want to be like, not the ones outside of our neighborhood.

But all we think about is now and we laugh at anyone that suggests otherwise.

Ted Turner is famous for a lot of things, one of them is stating what is on his mind.  Hey, I can respect that.  He likes to chose his words so that other people listen.  He doesn’t just fit into the crowd.  I respect that also.  But I wish that someone would tell him, and a whole lot of the rest of the world, that they are on the wrong train.  When Turner quoted, “I’d rather go to hell.  Heaven has got to be boring.”  I wish someone would have asked him, “What do you want most in life?”….”It will be in heaven.”

Heaven is better than being a billionaire.  There is money to spare, Hey, let’s pave these streets with gold.  Heaven is better than pornography!  THERE WILL BE PERFECT BODIES WALKING AROUND NAKED!  And it will be a good thing!  No one will be embarrassed!  (There will be no sin in heaven.  Pornography is a destructive, cruel sin.  The point is, naked bodies will be good….and everywhere.)  Heaven is better than Hawaii.  All the food will be paid in full!  Heaven is better than Christmas!  That baby Jesus, he will be with us!  It doesn’t sound boring to me!

And what will not be in heaven?  Babies without mommies.  Wheelchairs won’t be needed in heaven, or medicine, or hospitals.  There will not be divorce, no one’s heart will be broken.  What have you been through?  What hurts?  What tugs at your heart and makes you cry out, “That is not right!”  God will end it.  He will make all the wrongs undone and he will wipe away that tear.

“Jesus’ miracles are not just a challenge to our minds, but a promise to our hearts, that the world we want is coming.”  Tim Keller.

So, look at this world.  Read the Bible.  Take a look at what is good in this world.  LORD, FIX MY PRIORITIES!  SET MY MIND ON THINGS ETERNAL!  Get ready.  It is going to be the best party of all of eternity.  Don’t throw away your invitation.

Oh, I Am So Sorry. Please Excuse My Oh So Messed Up Body

This article was published in my book, Beautiful Life with Cancer, Hope During the Hard Times in December 2014.

As I lay down in my bed, I am out.  I almost always hit the pillow and it takes me about three minutes and I am asleep.  Often times, parents of little babies and young children teach them bedtime by setting a routine.  Baby gets a bath, read to them, sing one song, and hugs and kisses.  Well, (you can call me weird but I already know that) but I believe I have done this with myself.  Ofcourse I have the getting ready process.  I will spare you that.  It is not as simple and soothing as the baby’s routine.  But I hit the pillow and I start running a list through my head.  My two most popular lists:  1.  What are the decoration changes that I want to make to my house?  2.  What would I change about myself?  Fifteen.  No fourteen.  There are fourteen things I would change.

1. I wish my hair was a little thicker.  2.  No contacts.  Perfect vision would be nice.  3.  No scars around my neck.  4.  No itchy back.  That is right.  No itchy back.  See…I am the lucky one million billion that has a rare condition within a rare condition of MEN2A in which my body deposits protein on the top of my back.  It drives me insane!  It itches all the time.  All the time!  Almost daily, I scratch it until it bleeds.  I have done this since I was a baby.  I wish I did not have that.  5.  Stronger arms.  I work on it.  I do.  I go to the gym when I can and lift weights or as of now, or recently, I have been trying Yoga.  But I’ve been a little weak lately so I don’t push it by going to the gym.  So, I wish I wash’t sick. Wish I could go to the gym.  And wish I had stronger arms.  6.  No scars on my stomach.  7.  No stretch marks.  Nah.  I look at those and wish they weren’t there and then I remember why I have them.  Actually, call me crazy, I’ll keep those.  Worth the memory.  So, 7.  Thinner legs.  (Reinsert gym explanation here and add to it that I do not eat sugar.  Ok.  Yes, I do eat fruit.  And yes, I know that carbs turn to sugar in my body.  Restate that.  I do not eat desserts.  Why?  There is one reason to eat desserts:  They taste good.  There are four reasons not to:  sugar makes me gain weight, not good for my teeth, makes me, and everyone, sick more often by weakening my immune system, and lowers my energy.  Yes, that was absolutely too much to say within parenthesis.)  8.  Perfect teeth.  I hope you think my teeth look perfect, but the front two have crowns from chipping them on the swimming pool.  9.  No veins on my legs.  10.  Better singing voice.  (If I could insert a clip of me singing here, you would agree.)  11.  No scar on the back of my leg.  13.  No Addison’s Disease.  14.  No cancer.

There is my list.  Sure.  Everybody has a list.  But I do try to be really content with my body, but these are the things that I hate.  I really do hate.  And about 12 out of 14, at least, are here for life.  Nothing I can do about it.  About half of these nobody sees.  And the other half, I try to hide most of the time.  Prime example:  You will not find me in any singing group or trying out for American Idol.  But, I go to buy life insurance, and I can’t.  I go to the doctor for allergies and I have to continue my medication list on the back because it won’t all fit in the lines provided, and then the doctor wants to send me for scans and tests and chat extra long because of my history, but excuse me doctor, I have a sinus infection.  But they don’t want to give me anything for that.  And then I go to pick up Prednisone at the pharmacy for the one hundredth time in a row and the pharmacist feels the need to tell me that I shouldn’t take so much because of the side effects.  Thank you, I know them well.  But the alternative isn’t so good.  It’s death.  And then I read an article in the newspaper in the medical section from a doctor that says no one can survive with both their adrenal glands removed.  Well, he should do some research, or I should introduce myself because I am going on ten years now.

I try to find light in my rare condition.  It is a little neat when the student intern at Duke is so excited over meeting me and reviewing my case that he can not hide his excited giddiness.  It is kinda cool to be able to carry on a medical conversation, using all the right jargon, with friends that are doctors and surgeons, but If I got to pick, I would choose a different claim to fame.  What can I really do with, “a really extremely rare form of MEN2A” and always being the exception even within the rules of the disease?  Pretty cool to be the exception in the medical handbook or the specialists’ conference?  Ehh.

Well, I am asleep by now and I never go through the explanations with myself while I am laying in bed.  But if I didn’t have that, I’d be pretty pleased with myself.  If I didn’t have all of that, it’d be great to sit up in the morning and be able to see what’s going on without popping in those contacts.  And I’d probably join some band, just for the fun of it.  And I’d sing to more people than just my seven year old.  And my husband.  And my sisters.  And anyone else I get comfortable with.  And anyone else who is around after I’ve had a drink or two.  And I’d wear skirts, not just in the summer time when I’m outside, but also when it is a little chilly outside in the Fall to show off my legs.  And I would be in and out of the doctor’s office with my sinus infection medicine.  And I wouldn’t always scratch my damn back.  And who knows?  Maybe I would be a whole lot less content.  And maybe I would have less joy.  And maybe I wouldn’t appreciate my family and the days that I’ve got.  Because it isn’t really myself that makes me happy anyway.  So, ehh, I’ll just keep it all.  So, I am oh so sorry.  Please exude my oh so messed up body.  That’s just me.

Caroline is published!  I have entered my novel into a contest and for a short time you can download it for the low cost of FREE!  Please click on the link below to read the book Spiritual Flesh and Blood for free, which also gives me one vote when you download.  THANK YOU!

http://freeditorial.com/en/books/spiritual-flesh-and-blood

Death Sting Defeated

If I go to nothing, cords of death entangle me. If this current happiness is all I experience, then pain and suffering are a mockery. 

But if I go to eternal life, then even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, it is only a shadow and I will not fear. 

Hope defeats even death. Where, Death, is your sting?  Where is your victory?

My God chose death, even death on a cross, and rose again to life, conquering you forever. So that when I pass through death, you will only be a shadow, for I will then be more alive than ever!

The Great Victory of Pain

Good and evil are not two equal opponents battling in this world. Christ has won the victory!  He has already defeated Satan and his evil force. 

In the book of Job, we see Satan approach God who is the supreme power in charge. Satan accuses Job of worshiping God because of the many blessings in his life. God does not will, but he allows Satan to cause great suffering in Job’s life. 

WHY?  So that the name of the Lord will be praised!  Job endures the stripping of his wealth, the sudden death of all of his children, the betrayal of his wife and his closest friends, and excruciating pain. 

In his many questions, he never sins. The famous words of Job cursed Satan, defeating his argument with a powerful blow.  His words are a reminder for all who suffer: 

The Lord gives and the Lord takes away, BLESSED BE THE NAME OF THE LORD!  

And I Lived Happily Ever After

The Lord gives and the Lord takes away. Blessed be the name of the Lord. Spoken from a man that knew suffering. Job was a man that was so righteous that God pointed out his goodness to Satan. When Satan strips him of his riches and kills all ten of his children in one day, when he is judged by his closest friends as being in the wrong, and when his wife tells him to curse God and die, Job responds that if he praised God in the good, he will also praise him in the bad. The reason for Job’s suffering was not that he had done something wrong. In contrast, the reason was that he had done so much right. The reason was to see if he would praise God when he suffered so immensely.

For good reason, humans do not like to suffer. But in the wrong, we conclude that suffering is proof that there is no God or if there is a god, that he can not be loving. 

What kind of god do we want God to be?  “If you do not do what I want, I dismiss you God?  If I do not understand, I dismiss you God?”

God is a God of order. He created this world that makes sense. We study science and it is the textbook of this earth. And life is the poetry. It is the love story. There is a problem of sin and suffering is the result.

“Suffering is a reminder that this world is not the way it is supposed to be.”  Tim Keller

But Jesus is the remedy!  We are living the story. We are in the thick of it. Sometimes it hurts and sometimes it does not make sense. So, why is the Bible the Good News?  Because we already know the ending. Not only will Chrisians live happily ever after, all the past wrongs will be undone!  

Put yourself into the story!  You are the protagonist. The King of Kings has come to seek and to save YOU!  How will the story end?  Is it a tragedy or will you live happily forever after?

The Bright Victory

“Here is joy that cannot be shaken.  Our light can swallow up your darkness:  but your darkness cannot now infect our light.”  C.S. Lewis 

It does not matter how small I am, I am a light. And a small flame can set a forest ablaze. There is nothing that darkness can do to hide light. Light always wins!  Go to the deepest, darkest cavern, consumed by the darkest of darkness and it can not close out light. 

Christianity is under attack. Claim the name of Jesus and you will be mocked, you will be persecuted, be it verbal or physical. But what do we expect?  We are in a battle!  The louder we shout, the harder we fight, Satan sends his strongest to silence us. 

But we know the secret. THE BATTLE HAS ALREADY BEEN WON!  Christ the King will sit on the throne, he will claim the victory, and he will emaciate death and pain and suffering and Satan and all his greatest tools. And Satan knows it! He is the King of Lies!  

But we wave the torch, we march, we shout, we will fight and we will win. This light will shine brighter and brighter. The power of God Almighty is on our side and nothing can separate us from him, this light can not be extinguished. 

The Real World

Her little cheek pressed to mine and I could feel the warm tears pouring from her eyes. I scratched her back and rubbed her soft hair in my fingers. Her little eight year old body shook from the intensity of her cry. She hurt. Her little girl heart and soul ached. “Shhh.  Shhh.”  I did not say much, I was just there.

“Why?  How can that happen?”  Each word was spoken with difficulty because of the deep cry she fought to calm. I laid in my bed beside my daughter. 

At the age of eight, my daughter has given into the routine of bedtime. She is a hard sleeper. She prefers her bed full of stuffies and falling asleep in her own bedroom. At the rare request of sleeping on Mommy and Daddy’s floor, I knew something was pressing on her heart. With a request to cuddle, I prompted her to lay down on my bed and I slipped in beside her. 

She laid cuddled in the bed chatting away, like my Chatty Maddie does, and it took a little while for her heart to release the struggle within. “Why doesn’t she have a Mommy anymore?”

The Mother of one of her closest friends had thrown in the towel and walked away. It rocked Madison’s world. It rocked my world. Questions, so many questions. So much hurt that seemed to have no reason. Why should any little girl have to go through this?  

Madison hurt for her friend, wanting desperately to comfort her. My mind raced with the agony of how any mother could cause her own child so much pain. 

There are natural responses that spring up within me. I long to shield and protect my daughter from the hurt of this world. I want to ignore that it exists and spoil her beyond the thoughts of pain and suffering. I want to reason that this hurt could never come to my family. I want to assure her that we are safe from this possibility. I want to run and hide. And then I breathe. 

I inhale and I exhale and I say a quick prayer, “God, I do not understand this.  I need you to speak, not me.”  I focus and I realize. I am preparing my daughter for battle. I am raising a soldier. This life is hard and I long to raise a woman of God that is equipped for the difficulties of life that are sure to come her way. 

“Madison, I love you so so much. Daddy loves you so very much. But who loves you more?” And I continued to rub her back. 

Her response had been taught. She had learned it in the songs I sang to her as a baby, the answer was in the school we chose to send her to, the answer was in the nightly devotions, in the love of her bedroom decor, in nature walks, and sacrifices made so she could have everything to her benefit, even in the television shows we chose.  Her response was JESUS. 

“Madison. I do not know why this happened. But let’s do everything we can to help her so that she can know how much Jesus loves her and that no matter what happens, he is always there for her.”

You see, I never ever want my daughter to hurt. But it is a reality of this world. I do my very best to protect her, but I do not have to seek out these lessons, pain and sin are everywhere. What matters is if I teach her how to react. I long to teach her to chose right, how to help others, how to forgive, how to love, and even how to hurt.  

No matter how much I try to keep it away, my daughter will cry again. She will hurt again. I can shout at her to “toughen up” and harden her heart and steal that compassion that she has for others. I can ignore her questions and leave her scared and insecure. Or I can give her the only tool that will lead her to love, security, strength, and compassion:  JESUS. 

So, Madison, while your question pierces deep into my heart and soul, I do not know, I do not understand, but I know the one who does. And sweetheart, I can see that Jesus has amazing plans for your life and he has made you such a strong, sweet little girl that he is already using you to bring love and comfort to a little girl that no longer has a Mommy. And right now, I am so proud to say that YOU sweetheart are part of Jesus’s answer.