God’s Prayer

My Jesus, the King above all kings, even the mention of your name is to be worshiped. Your plans for this world will happen. I want you to rule in my life the same as you rule in heaven. I have what I need, thank you. Help me share, rather than being selfish. Forgive me for my past mistakes, I want to learn from them and change. Help me remember my mistakes and keep from judging other people. With your power in me, I choose not to give in to the temptations of this world that entice me. God Almighty is the Forever King. He will be praised forever!  Amen. 

  

I have entered my novel into a contest. If you like what you read here, please visit the link below and download my book FOR FREE! Each download gives me a vote. THANK YOU! I hope you enjoy what you read.

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A Link to My Longest Writing Ever

I have entered my novel into a contest.  If you like what you read here, please visit the link below and download my book FOR FREE!  Each download gives me a vote.  THANK YOU!  I hope you enjoy what you read.

http://freeditorial.com/en/books/spiritual-flesh-and-blood

Naked People in Heaven

Instant bad mood.  I search around for my screaming phone on the floor under my bed.  The damn alarm clock continues to scream at the top of its lungs.  Slowly gaining control of my sleeping body, I step out of bed, pick up my phone and turn off the alarm.  The pain of waking up.  In heaven, I will roll over and enjoy the waking up process just as much as snuggling into bed and drifting off to sleep.  (That is if we sleep in heaven.)

My world runs about me in fast forward.  Honking impatiently at the slow moving car, spending what we don’t have for the newest item that hits the shelves, driving around our children to some place other than home.  Why do I join the insanity of the crowd?  I do believe in busying oneself with hard work, but that is not what is happening here.  We are all consumed with what does not matter.

Now.  What we want is now.  The admiring stares of those we don’t know.  Now.  The praise of what drives us around.  Now.  Winners of the race.  Packed pantries to overflowing.  Fashonable jewelry on our bodies and extra in the closet.  Fancy modern restaurants.  Everything that our neighbors have.  Our neighbors that we want to be like, not the ones outside of our neighborhood.

But all we think about is now and we laugh at anyone that suggests otherwise.

Ted Turner is famous for a lot of things, one of them is stating what is on his mind.  Hey, I can respect that.  He likes to chose his words so that other people listen.  He doesn’t just fit into the crowd.  I respect that also.  But I wish that someone would tell him, and a whole lot of the rest of the world, that they are on the wrong train.  When Turner quoted, “I’d rather go to hell.  Heaven has got to be boring.”  I wish someone would have asked him, “What do you want most in life?”….”It will be in heaven.”

Heaven is better than being a billionaire.  There is money to spare, Hey, let’s pave these streets with gold.  Heaven is better than pornography!  THERE WILL BE PERFECT BODIES WALKING AROUND NAKED!  And it will be a good thing!  No one will be embarrassed!  (There will be no sin in heaven.  Pornography is a destructive, cruel sin.  The point is, naked bodies will be good….and everywhere.)  Heaven is better than Hawaii.  All the food will be paid in full!  Heaven is better than Christmas!  That baby Jesus, he will be with us!  It doesn’t sound boring to me!

And what will not be in heaven?  Babies without mommies.  Wheelchairs won’t be needed in heaven, or medicine, or hospitals.  There will not be divorce, no one’s heart will be broken.  What have you been through?  What hurts?  What tugs at your heart and makes you cry out, “That is not right!”  God will end it.  He will make all the wrongs undone and he will wipe away that tear.

“Jesus’ miracles are not just a challenge to our minds, but a promise to our hearts, that the world we want is coming.”  Tim Keller.

So, look at this world.  Read the Bible.  Take a look at what is good in this world.  LORD, FIX MY PRIORITIES!  SET MY MIND ON THINGS ETERNAL!  Get ready.  It is going to be the best party of all of eternity.  Don’t throw away your invitation.

The Journey Begins

Christ is my author.  He wrote my life.  God makes no mistakes.  I was first diagnosed with cancer the summer of 1996.  My cancer story does not begin here.  I graduated from high school.  I received my degree in Elementary Education.  I married the man of my dreams.  I had a baby.  Not just any baby.  A miracle baby.  The most amazing little human being that I have ever laid my eyes on. The nurse laid her on my stomach and immediately all the pains of childbirth disappeared.  She was everything.  Michael Phelps on the starting block.  Chocolate chip cookies in the oven.  The sun rising.  Christmas Eve.  She was the possibility of everything.  I would give it to her.  I was raised in a family with eight children, I babysat, I nannied, I had a degree in Elementary Education and teaching experience behind me.  I thought I had this kid thing down pat.  But when my eyes first fell on her, my whole entire world got flipped upside down.  

From the moment she came into our lives, her Daddy and I worked harder, we researched with intensity, we read more, and we did everything to better ourselves and the world that surrounded her.  We were about to learn that we were completely out of control. 

Prior to Madison’s birth, we researched.  We had been given the green light to try to get pregnant. However, with my medical past, it would be incredibly hard to get pregnant and once I was pregnant, it would be incredibly hard to keep the baby.  God had different plans, I got pregnant right away with my little miracle baby.  

When Madison was three months old, we visited a genetic counselor.  We were not prepared for what we were about to hear.  We had been told that Madison had a 50% chance of inheriting my cancer gene.  We had been told that if she inherited cancer, she would have her thyroid removed and that would be the end of the story.  Well, on this day, we held our three month old miracle in our arms as the genetic counselor told us it was not that easy.  She had a 50% chance of inheriting my cancer gene.  If it was positive, she would have surgery to have her thyroid removed.  However, that would not be the end.  She would spend her life having routine scans, blood work, and the label of cancer hovering over her entire life. 

No.  I had given God my life.  I had accepted cancer in my life since the age of 15.  He could not have my daughter.  He could not have my baby.  No God.  This was too much.  He was asking too much of me. 

James (my husband, Madison’s Daddy) and I prayed.  We prayed every morning.  We prayed every night.  We prayed during the day.  We prayed together.  We prayed alone.  

I was angry.  I was angry at God.  This was my daughter.  She needed me.  I would protect her.  I would give her everything.  I had trusted God with my life.  I had defended my faith to the bitter end and now I questioned everything.  Was it all real?  Was there a God?  Did he hear my prayers?  Could he change anything?  Did he love Madison?  I wanted so much to claim control.  I wanted so much to be in charge.  I wanted so much to walk away from my faith and say, “I’ve got this.”  But I had nothing.  I could do nothing.  I was completely helpless.  I fell to my knees. James and I placed infant Madison on our bed.  She was laid upon the altar.  We literally fell to our knees.  We prayed.  We begged.  I cried out to God and I begged him for the health and for the life of my baby.  “God, I need you.  You are the only one who can save her.  I can do nothing.” I learned to pray. 

And this is where my cancer journey began.  It did not begin when I was fifteen and I was diagnosed with cancer.  I could have given that.  I could have given myself.  I could have given my life and never trusted God in this way.  It was here, when I had to lay my daughter on the altar and say, “God, she is yours.  She is not mine.  I trust you.  I trust you with my baby.  I trust you with my everything.” We did not get an answer.  We played with our precious baby.  We cared for her every need and every desire.  I placed her soft cheek to mine and sang softly of the love of Jesus.  I was singing more to myself than to her, reminding myself of God’s promises.  I began to realize that as much as I loved Madison, I was only getting a tiny glimpse of the love that God has for me.  

I am his daughter.  He held me in his arms and loved me just like I love Madison. Why then?  Why would he give me cancer?  If I am his daughter, and he loves me, why would God give me cancer? 

I looked at my life as a parent.  I took Madison to the pediatrician to get shots.  She cried.  It hurt.  She had no idea why I was letting this happen.  I allowed it to happen.  Why?  Because I love her.  I allowed this hurtful thing to happen because I love her.  Even though she did not understand it, it was the best thing for her. I learned just a little bit more of how much my Heavenly Father loves me.

Time passed, we continued to pray.  We were waiting on results from the genetic counselor to see if Madison had tested positive for the gene.  It was a simple blood test, but the results took time.  Two months had passed and we still had no result.

One night, as James and I crawled into bed, I turned to James, “She is going to be ok.  God told me she is going to be ok.”  I had not heard an audible voice, but he spoke directly to my heart.  As I started to pray, he said, “OK. I will answer your prayer.  Madison will be healthy.  Now, pray for something else.”  I had not gotten the results from the doctor, but I knew, my daughter was healthy. 

Two more weeks passed, then on July 31, 2007, I received the call, “Madison is healthy.  She tested negative for the gene.  She has no more chance of getting cancer than the general public.  You never need to see a doctor about this for her ever again.” 

Those were the hardest two and a  half months of my life.  But I learned Madison is not mine.  She belongs to God.  And he is a much better parent than I am.  Not only can he give her the world, he can give her a perfect heaven. And this is where my journey begins.  This is where I learned what real hurt is.  This is where I learned real fear.  This is where I learned to trust God.  I learned to pray.  I learned I am not in control. 

My name is Caroline.  I have cancer.  I have battled an extremely rare form of MEN2A cancer for the last 18 years.  I travel frequently from TN to Duke University Hospital in NC to see doctors and specialists.  I have scans.  I have blood work.  I have been left with Addison’s Disease.  I take lots of medicine.  I have a medical alert bracelet.  I get sick.  I crave salt.  I have scars covering my neck and my stomach.  I have a scar on my arm and on my leg.  My back itches.  I have a husband that loves me.  I have a daughter that needs me. My name is Caroline.  I have cancer.  I have God.  I have a beautiful life.

Confessions of a Process

I live my life in another world. I am constantly thinking, constantly writing, constantly contemplating. There is always always an idea spinning around in my head. I never see things as they are, I see them as they could be. I am a dreamer.

There is this girl in my head. She looks a lot like me but better. She has my same mannerisms, but she is nicer. She has more friends. Waaay more accomplishments. And way better legs. She is the girl I want to be. Each day I hope to take a step closer to her. I learn something, improve my hairdo, gain a friend. Check. Improvement on Caroline.

I am a work in process. I am not the same girl I used to be. I look back on some of the clothes I wore, the things I said, the mistakes I made, and I wonder who that girl is. She certainly is not the girl in the mirror that looks at me.

Each day I change, a slow process is occurring. Slowly, slowly, sometimes it takes a lot of time for me to see the change that has occurred. But sometimes, sometimes it hits me like an arrow to the heart. The word of God speaks right to my heart and convicts me of something in my life. Sometimes it is something that I have been struggling with for a while, sometimes years, and suddenly I see the resolution. Sometimes it is something I had given no thought and all of a sudden it is clear before me and there must be change. I will choose good. It may hurt but I will come out closer to the girl I want to be. OR I will chose laziness, apathy, convenience, or the path I know is not right for me. It never turns out well when I chose that path.

I have been hit with a change that must occur. My O.C.D mind complains, why could this have not occurred earlier?! It would have fit nicely into the box of a New Years Resolution! But God’s timing is not my own.

I would not consider myself a gossiper. Maybe just because of personality. I am more laid back and drama wears me out. But not to lighten the sin, I gossip. I get fed up with people and rather than dealing with it, I lighten my stress by gossiping. Or maybe it is not even an issue. Sometimes someone just looks funny or they do something stupid or I am surprised by someone’s actions and I want to be the one to share the news and gossip to someone about someone else. SHAME ON ME!

One too many times, I have learned the story behind the action and guilt sets in, as it should. One too many times, I have been the one to do something stupid and prayed someone wouldn’t gossip about me. One too many times, I have been gossiped about wrongly and I have been hurt.

Today this hit me like a lightening bolt and I see the ugliness of judging and spreading that judgement. So, here I am, mid January, making a resolution not to gossip any more! I am making a covenant that when I struggle with negative thoughts toward someone to pray for them. And I am taking one more step toward the girl I want to be.

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The Most Important Thing

The sun has hit the snooze button and we creep out of the garage in the darkness.  Frost glistens on the grass and roofs and wreaths that are hanging on our windows.  The car heat is turned on high and blowing on our feet.  We have the morning count down.  “Nine more days until Christmas.  Three more days of school.”

We sit in silence and sleepiness as we join the early birds on the road and continue on our journey to school.  I take a sip of my morning energy.  Coffee.  I take another sip.  I have been through the check list before we left the house, but I can not help but run it through my head again.  Is Madison prepared for school?  Plaid skirt and polo shirt?  Check.  The weather is cold.  Fleece and leggings.  Check.  The weather is colder than that.  Heavy coat.  Check.  Gloves in her backpack because she doesn’t want to wear them but incase she changes her mind.  Check.

But at this point, that is definitely not enough.  She is still not even close to ready for school.  Morning preparations:  Daddy made her scrambled eggs and she had a glass of water.  Check.  I supervised the brushing of her teeth.  Check.  Combed her hair and pulled it into her favorite do, a ponytail.  Check.  Face washed.  Check.  Oh, so far from being prepared for school.

Healthy school lunch in her lunchbox, in her backpack.  Check.  Two healthy snacks in small animal shaped containers in her front backpack pocket.  Check.  Water bottle.  Check.  Homework folder in binder.  Check.  Binder in backpack.  Check.  She is not ready for this day at all.

With my eyes open, as I am driving down the road, “Madison, let’s pray:

Dear Jesus,

Thank you for Madison.  I pray that she will enjoy learning about your creation today.  I pray she will be kind and patient and obedient.  I pray she will know when to talk and when she needs to listen.  Thank you for her school and her teacher and her friends.  Thank you for Daddy.  We pray that he will have a wonderful day at work.  Please keep us safe and healthy today.  Please help us to do your will today.

We love you Jesus.  Amen

And now she is ready.  She is prepared for this day.  We roll to a stop.  She unbuckles and gives me a kiss.  I return the favor on her cheek.  “I love you.  Goodbye.”

Jesus is going with her.  It is the only way that I can let her go.