Confessions of a Process

I live my life in another world. I am constantly thinking, constantly writing, constantly contemplating. There is always always an idea spinning around in my head. I never see things as they are, I see them as they could be. I am a dreamer.

There is this girl in my head. She looks a lot like me but better. She has my same mannerisms, but she is nicer. She has more friends. Waaay more accomplishments. And way better legs. She is the girl I want to be. Each day I hope to take a step closer to her. I learn something, improve my hairdo, gain a friend. Check. Improvement on Caroline.

I am a work in process. I am not the same girl I used to be. I look back on some of the clothes I wore, the things I said, the mistakes I made, and I wonder who that girl is. She certainly is not the girl in the mirror that looks at me.

Each day I change, a slow process is occurring. Slowly, slowly, sometimes it takes a lot of time for me to see the change that has occurred. But sometimes, sometimes it hits me like an arrow to the heart. The word of God speaks right to my heart and convicts me of something in my life. Sometimes it is something that I have been struggling with for a while, sometimes years, and suddenly I see the resolution. Sometimes it is something I had given no thought and all of a sudden it is clear before me and there must be change. I will choose good. It may hurt but I will come out closer to the girl I want to be. OR I will chose laziness, apathy, convenience, or the path I know is not right for me. It never turns out well when I chose that path.

I have been hit with a change that must occur. My O.C.D mind complains, why could this have not occurred earlier?! It would have fit nicely into the box of a New Years Resolution! But God’s timing is not my own.

I would not consider myself a gossiper. Maybe just because of personality. I am more laid back and drama wears me out. But not to lighten the sin, I gossip. I get fed up with people and rather than dealing with it, I lighten my stress by gossiping. Or maybe it is not even an issue. Sometimes someone just looks funny or they do something stupid or I am surprised by someone’s actions and I want to be the one to share the news and gossip to someone about someone else. SHAME ON ME!

One too many times, I have learned the story behind the action and guilt sets in, as it should. One too many times, I have been the one to do something stupid and prayed someone wouldn’t gossip about me. One too many times, I have been gossiped about wrongly and I have been hurt.

Today this hit me like a lightening bolt and I see the ugliness of judging and spreading that judgement. So, here I am, mid January, making a resolution not to gossip any more! I am making a covenant that when I struggle with negative thoughts toward someone to pray for them. And I am taking one more step toward the girl I want to be.

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Anger Management

I admit it.  I am not the best driver.  I would much rather have someone else take the wheel.  I drive slowly “like a Granny” and I hate when I do not know where I am going.  One such day, I was following directions to meet someone.  I was at the point of, “Turn on this street” that should have been coming up soon and I was reading all the street signs.  Driving down the road.  Slow to read sign.  Not it.  Continue down road.  Slow to read sign.  And, “Oh!  That is it!”  I turned.  I turned without turning on my blinker.  Meanwhile, there was a middle aged man, sitting in a truck, waiting to turn out of that same street.  When I turned, without applying the blinker signal, he leaned out his window and yelled out words that would make even a sailor blush.  I just stared at him in complete amazement thinking, “Dude, this is obviously about something else.”

We are not very big TV people.  Although we have currently given in, we spent most of our marriage with no cable.  Back in one of these days, I was going about cleaning up the home and going through the routine of my day.  I was home alone.  There is a knock at the door.  I answer.  There stands a man that appears to be in his twenties.  “Mam, You are stealing cable and I need to come in and take a look.”

Don’t know why I tried to be polite, “Sorry, I am not stealing cable.  You can not come in now.  If you would like to come back later this evening, you can come in then.”

He turned redder than I have ever seen a human body turn before and continued with a slur that would again make a sailor blush, insisting that he is going to come into my house.  I closed and locked the door and called for backup.

These are the situations that I refuse to deal with in life.  Because I do not know what I am dealing with.  There is obviously a breakup, a crushed dream, a canceled vacation, SOMETHING, there is something bigger that was causing the anger and I was not going to be a victim of that misguided anger.

Yes, I have been that person.  I have been angry to my brim.  I have been angry and done the wrong thing.  (Although, I have never tried to force myself into someone’s house before.  Yikes!) But this is a whole new level.  This is an anger when we refuse to deal with the situation, an anger where we allow it to change us.  That anger.  That is where I will shake the dust or, if needed, stand and fight.